How Parents Alienate Their Teens by Dr Linda Koh

(Extracted from www.sfe.org.sg)

None of us set out with the intention to alienate our teenagers. We all want to be good and effective parents. The reality, however, is that we are only human and therefore capable of making mistakes. What’s important is that we identify these mistakes and understand some of the common ways we alienate our teenagers. This will help us avoid some of the common pitfalls and build a better relationship with our youngsters.

Develop a rigid and controlling parenting style

This is the single most common way to alienate your teenagers. Rigid parents are so strict with their teenagers that their children often have to lie about where they go and who they are with for fear of igniting their parents’ anger. Such parents feel insecure unless they are in control all the time. They don’t trust their teenagers to do anything on their own. Such parents act as though they are platoon commanders – directing, instructing and threatening when their children fail to comply. They rule with an “iron fist”.

What Teenagers Need…

Rigid parents fail to understand that teenagers need freedom to grow and learn, and to make decisions and choices of their own. Teenagers need parents who can guide them and give them space to make mistakes occasionally, not rigid parents who control them in everything they do. Such rigidity can crush their will power.

Don’t Worry about the Way You Communicate

When parents communicate to teenagers in cold, harsh tones, they can easily distance themselves form their teenagers. How often have you uttered words like these?

“Because I told you so, that’s why.”

“Why don’t you act your age?”

“Just wait till your father gets home.”

“Do I have to do everything for you?”

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

Parents can also alienate teenagers when they practice passive communication. Here parents don’t say much at all and rarely seize the opportunity to enter into a meaningful conversation with their teenagers. Instead they answer with “yes”, “sounds good”, or “Oh, that’s terrible!”. They also seldom allow their teens to discuss and reason with them. Opportunities to encourage their teenagers to open up and talk about issues like drugs and premarital sex are lost on these parents.

What Teenagers Need…

Teenagers need to hear and see from parents the things that are closest to their hearts – messages of love, limits, grace, tolerance, respect, and understanding. They need parents to provide an open environment that welcomes and includes them as active participants in meaningful communication. They need parents to listen to their problems. They want to be able to discuss, reason and express their feelings and view. They don’t need parental nagging!

 

Don’t Worry About Setting Boundaries and Limits

This is yet another common way to alienate your teenagers. Parents become permissive when they believe that teenagers are old enough to decide everything for themselves. They allow their youngsters to do whatever they please, letting them bear the consequences of their actions. Permissivity can also arise when parents don’t want to get into constant fights or arguments with their teenagers. They then let go of their parental control and guidance. Permissive parents think they get along better with their teenagers who love them for not being strict.

What Teenagers Need…

Many parents think that teenagers would prefer to have a pushover or permissive parent. The truth is that such parents confuse their teenagers by not providing the guidance, accountability, and structure they so desperately need. While it is true that teenagers need greater latitude in making choices and decisions on their own, they still want their parents to be around to lend them support in times of need. Teenagers need parents in the background to guide them and help them say no to peer pressure. They want limits and boundaries that are consistent and considerate.

 

Forget About Discipline When They Break Rules.

Parents who don’t discipline or correct their teenagers when they break rules are actually saying they don’t care. When parents show a “no care” attitude, they build a barrier in their relationship with their teenagers. Not only have the teenagers not learned good behaviours, they take their problems elsewhere since their parents don’t care whether they are good or bad. Hence, the parent-teenager relationship becomes cool and distant. Parents who don’t take an interest to correct their teenagers’ misbehaviours face the consequences of alienating them.

What Teenagers Need…

While discipline is painful at times, teenagers still want their parents to enforce their “correcting” prerogative. In fact, teenagers feel secure from knowing that their parents care enough for them to discipline them, or withdraw their privileges when they do wrong. They feel secure in their parent’s love.

 

Don’t Worry About Building Self-Esteem.

One very easy way to alienate your teenager is to destroy his self-worth. Parents who do not encourage or build up their teenagers’ abilities and potential, but instead tear down their self-confidence and self-worth are hurting the parent-child relationship. Many parents don’t encourage their teenager for fear that the more attention a child receives, the more he wants. This, however, is a misconception. In fact, just the opposite is true. The “don’t give too much, because they’ll just want more” approach actually communicates a tremendously alienating message. Many parents are also guilty of criticizing and magnifying the negative aspects of their teenagers, and even of name calling. This often destroys the teenager’s respect for both himself and his parents.

What Teenagers Need…

Teenagers need parents who show confidence and trust in allowing them to take a little more control of their lives. They need parents who allow them to experience their potential, understand their limits, and enjoy their talents. They need encouragement when they fail or when they don’t measure up to their own or their parents’ expectations. They need to be uplifted, not crushed!

You Should Never Let Them Grow Up.

Such parents feel that their teenagers still neeeeeeeed them! They find it hard to relinquish the reins just yet. Hence, they still insist on choosing their teenagers’ clothes, careers and friends. Frequently, these controlling parents ignore or discount their teenagers’ feelings. They tend to be overprotective, smothering their teenagers in the process. Teenagers who are not allowed to grow in independence may rebel against their parents.

What Teenagers Need…

Adolescents need to be give a chance to flap their wings and become airborne on their own. They may forget they have wings if they continually find themselves grounded securely under their parent’. Teenagers need to experience their own limits and boundaries in increasing amount as they mature and earn their parents’ trust. They need to increase their skills in decision-making and choice-making. While teenagers should be given sufficient room to grow, they will still need their parents’ support and encouragement throughout the growing up process.

The secret to successful parenting is to fully understand the common ways we alienate our teenager. When we know what our teenagers need, and how to improve our relationship with them through better communication, I’m confident that parents will not only become more effective, but that they will derive more enjoyment from the teenager-rearing experience. (The teenagers will also enjoy you more!)

Extracted from Families Today               Issue No 12/95

 

Which House Do You Live In?

“I got two A’s,” the small boy cried. His voice was filled with glee. His father very bluntly asked, “Why didn’t you get three?”

“Mom. I’ve got the dishes done!” The girl called from the door. Her mother very calmly said, “And did you sweep the floor?”

“I’ve mowed the grass,” the tall boy said, “And put the mower away!” His father asked him, with a shrug. “Did you clean off the clay?”

The children in the house next door seemed happy and content. The same things happened over there, but this is how it went:

“I got two A’s,” the small boy cried, His voice was filled with glee. His father proudly said, “That’s great! I’m glad you live with me!”

“Mom I’ve got the dishes done! The girl called from the door. Her mother smiled and softly said. “Each day I love you more.”

“I’ve mowed the grass,” the tall boy said. “And put the mower away!” His father answered with much joy.

“You’ve made my happy day!”

Children deserve a little praise for tasks they’re asked to do if they’re to lead a happy life. So much depends on you.

– by unknown        

 

(Extracted from http://fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg/TeenageNYouth/ParentingTeenagers/RelevantArticles/WhichHouseDoYouLiveIn.html)

Singapore Marriage Convention 2012 – Grab your tickets fast.

Dear Parents,

Grab your free tickets to Singapore Marriage convention. One pair per session per couple. Email ctsspsg@gamil.com to reserve. Please include your name, child’s name and class and contact number.

Tickets are priced at $12* per person or $16* per couple for each session. _{(*excludes SISTIC charges)}

Date	Timing	Language	Topic	Speaker	Location
31 Mar 2012 (Sat)	9AM – 12NN	English	Celebrate our Differences	Dr Edward & Rhonda Gray	Leo Function Room
31 Mar 2012 (Sat)	9AM – 12NN	Mandarin	是你变了吗?	凌展辉先生 和 陈冰如女士	Virgo Function Room
31 Mar 2012 (Sat)	2PM – 5PM	English	Celebrate Healthy MarriageHabits	Dr Edward & Rhonda Gray	Leo Function Room
31 Mar 2012 (Sat)	2PM – 5PM	Mandarin	谈心谈性话爱情	凌展辉先生 和 陈冰如女士	Virgo Function Room
1 Apr 2012 (Sun)	9AM – 12NN	English	Celebrate Friendship, Closeness and Intimacy	Dr Edward & Rhonda Gray	Leo Function Room
1 Apr 2012 (Sun)	9AM – 12NN	Malay	Raikan Perkahwinan Anda: Kebijaksanaan Emosi Bagi Rumahtangga Yang Bahagia Dan Utuh	Mdm Nafisah Md. Ma’mun Suheimi	Virgo Function Room
1 Apr 2012 (Sun)	2PM – 5PM	English	Celebrate Marriage for a Lifetime of Happiness	Dr Edward & Rhonda Gray	Leo Function Room
1 Apr 2012 (Sun)	2PM – 5PM	Tamil	Celebrate Healthy Marriage Habits	Mr Padmanathan & Mrs Sarojini	Virgo Function Room

Marriage Convention 2012 – Free Tickets

Want to pick up great tips to woo the love of your life? Marriage Convention 2012, in celebration of Real Love Works 2012, is that sweet spot to learn more about …the Language of Love.

Marriage Convention 2012 will be held from 30 March – 1 April at the Resorts World Convention Centre. Tickets are priced at $12 per person or $16 per couple, per seminar.

I have a pair of free tickets to give away for each session. Email to me @ chong_vicky@hotmail.com with your child’s name, class and your contact details and which session you are interested in. Limited to one pair per couple.

More details can be found on : http://entertainment.xin.msn.com/en/radio/marriage.aspx?cp-documentid=5856080

Being relevant in this fast pace & changing world – A visit to local factory Tai Hua Food Industries

   

Reignited at the 1^st CTSS PSG Committee 2012 Meeting on Feb 11, 2012, an idea that was mooted in 2010 and “incubated & fermented” over the next two years was culminated into a learning journey to Tai Hua Food Industries, a local soy sauce factory on Mar 2, 2012.

An excursion involving parents, students, teachers and admin staff was successfully designed & packaged, planned, organized and executed according to plan in three weeks.

Despite the rain, about 40 parents, grand-parents, students and teachers and admin staff from CTSS departed for Tai Hua Food Industries after the school hour and arrived at Tai Hua plant in time for a group photo with the Managing Director of Tai Hua Food Industries, Mr Thomas Pek. The trip itinerary included corporate-video screening, visit to the fermentation area, a simple refreshment and “shopping” at the Tai Hua Minimart.

Key ingredients & factors for sustaining success for more than 60+ years!

From the corporate video, we learned that the key ingredients and factors for sustained success include “having a household product and a household brand plus growing with time, progressing in tandem with the society, be part of the nature’s evolution & transformation process, nurturing a culture of embracing changes and continued reinvention for success, source for the best ingredients and extending the sauces beyond the traditional geography and expanding footprint globally”.

Did you know? Facts, Observations & Learning Points

We summarize herein other observations and learning points to serve as the baseline for further knowledge validation and self-research.

1. 1.     Soy sauce originated in China in ancient time and its use later spread to East and Southeast Asia. Like many salty condiments, soy sauce was probably originally a way to stretch salt, historically an expensive commodity. In Ancient China, fermented fish with salt was used as a condiment in which soybeans was included during the fermentation process. Eventually, this was replaced and the recipe for soy sauce, jiangyou (酱油), was created with soybeans as principal ingredient.
2. 2.     Traditional soy sauces are made by mixing soybeans and grain with mold cultures such as Aspergillus oryzae and other related microorganisms and yeasts. In the earlier days, the mixture was then fermented naturally in giant urns and under the sun, which was believed to contribute additional flavors. This method of production is still being used at Tai Hua Plant.  In modern days, the mixture is generally placed in a temperature and humidity controlled incubation chamber. We saw rows of high-tech fiber glass incubation tankers at Tai Hua Plant too.
3. 3.     Tai Hua procures its soybeans, the main ingredient for soy sauce from Canada. Recognized for its carcinogen-free quality, this far-away soybean source from the Canada has offered the traditional family business a competitive advantage to export its soy sauce to Europe and America that has stringent food quality control. Tai Hua seized the carcinogen scare crisis to expand its presence to the western countries in the earlier years when many known household branded soy sauce was reported to have contain the 3-MCPD (3-monochloropropane-1,2-diol) cancer-causing substance.
4. 4.     The soy sauce fermentation takes about 4 months and the production process involves several steps:
   1. a.     Soaking and cooking: The soybeans soaked in water and boiled. The wheat is roasted and crushed.
   2. b.     Culturing: An equal amount of boiled soybeans and roasted wheat are mixed to form a grain mixture. A culture of Aspergillus spore is added to the grain mixture and mixed or the mixture is allowed to gather spores from the environment itself..
   3. c.      Brewing: The cultured grain mixture is mixed into a specific amount of salt brine for wet fermentation or with coarse salt for dry fermentation and left to brew. Over time, the Aspergillus mold on the soy and wheat break down the grain proteins into free amino acid and protein fragments and starches into simple sugars. This amino-glycosidic reaction gives soy sauce its dark brown color. Lactic acid bacteria ferments the sugars into lactic acid and yeasts produces ethanol, which through aging and secondary fermentation produces numerous flavor compounds typical of soy sauce.
   4. d.     Pressing: The fully fermented grain slurry is placed into cloth-lined containers and pressed to separate the solids from the liquid soy sauce. The isolated solids are used as fertilizer or fed to animals while the liquid soy sauce is processed further.
   5. e.      Pasteurization: The raw soy sauce is heated to eliminate any active yeasts and molds remaining in the soy sauce and can be filtered to remove any fine particulates
   6. f.      Storage: The soy sauce can be aged or directly bottled and sold.
5. 5.     The Light/Brewed & Blended/Dark Soy Sauce
   1. a.     Light soy sauce is brewed directly from a fermentation process using wheat, soybeans, salt, and water without additional additives. Light or fresh soy sauce (酱清 “jiàngqing“) is used primarily for dipping.
   2. b.     Blended/Dark soy sauce is produced by adding additives with sweet or umami tastes to a finished brewed soy sauce to modify its taste and texture. Dark and old soy sauce, a darker and slightly thicker soy sauce made from light soy sauce. This soy sauce is produced through prolonged aging and added caramel, and may contain added molasses to give it its distinctive appearance. This variety is mainly used during cooking, since its flavor develops during heating. It has a richer, slightly sweeter, and less salty flavor than light soy sauce. Dark soy sauce is partly used to add color and flavor to a dish after cooking, but is more often used during the cooking process, rather than after.

We hope you have enjoyed the visit and the shopping experience at the Tai Hua Minimart and a better appreciation of the household product and the Singapore brand. We will conclude this report with some open questions for your considerations for future visits.

1. Did Tai Hua venture or has the company planned to venture into China market?
2. Why can’t we visit other plant areas such as Raw Material Storage Area, Bottling/Packing Area, Steaming Area, Cooking Area and Warehouse Area?
3. Can a person with gout consume dark soy sauce since it is richer in protein content? A medical question that needs medical doctor advice!
4. Is there still a need for the traditional way of soy sauce fermentation using urns? Can the soy sauce plant move to 100% production using high-tech temperature & humidity-controlled incubation chambers (the fiber glass tankers)?
5. Is the soy sauce produced by traditional fermentation of superior quality and is it more expensive consequently?
6. Can we have student attachment program to Tai Hua Food Industries?

We thank Tai Hua Food Industries for hosting our learning journey and last but not least, we would like to thank you all for your time and for making this hybrid learning journey a memorable one!

Reported by Mr Lee Tuan See.

PS: The photos are up on Clementi Town Secondary School Parent Support Group Facebook.

                                           

Text a Little Less and Think a Little More: Stephen L. Carter (Extracted from Bloomberg)

Text a Little Less and Think a Little More: Stephen L. Carter (Extracted from Bloomberg)

(Illustration by Emi Ueoka)

If you’ve suspected lately that your family’s mobile-phone bill is driven entirely by your 15-year-old, you are probably right. A recent Nielsen report shows that children aged 13 to 17 average an astonishing 3,417 text messages a month — some 45 percent of all text messages. This breaks down to seven texts “every waking hour,” or roughly one every 8 1/2 minutes.

But those who look at this data and worry that young people are over-texting may be asking the wrong question. The more pertinent concern may be not the amount, but the function. Many observers argue that the social world of teenagers and even young adults is nowadays largely constituted by text messaging.

Maybe so. Certainly a principal reason cited by many teens for their use of texting is that it is fun. In some surveys, young people reported that they prefer texting to conversation. And “prefer” may be too weak a word. Many young people, when not allowed to text, become anxious and jittery.

In recent years, there has been no shortage of reports on television about researchers who say they have found teens addicted to their mobile phones. Perhaps a better way to view the data is as an illustration of how mobile phones in general, and texting in particular, have taken over the experiential world of the young. An economist might expect that teens deprived of texting would simply substitute another method of communication – – talking, for instance. As it turns out, a significant minority will not. They will behave instead, researchers report, the way people do when deprived of human contact.

Texts Define Friendship

The phone, in other words, is not merely a tool through which teens keep in touch with friends. It is the technology that defines their social circle. If they cannot text someone, that person may as well not exist.

Still, I am not criticizing the technology itself. Like most people of all ages these days, I find texting far too convenient to ignore — although, to be sure, my usual quota is two or three texts a day, not seven an hour.

The trouble is that texting arose suddenly, not gradually: Originally included in mobile phones as a tool to enable service providers to spam their customers, it actually came to the U.S. later than most of the industrialized world. David Mercer, in his 2006 book “The Telephone: The Life Story of a Technology,”suggests that the popularity of the practice rose sharply when viewers were urged to text their votes for the winner on such television programs as “American Idol.”

This break from past practice was so radical that adults had no opportunity to work out from their own experience reasonable bounds for the young. And so the young, unbounded, freely created their own world, from which the old are largely excluded.

Fears of what young people might be like if left free to design the world have long been with us: Think “Lord of the Flies,” “A Clockwork Orange” or “Children of the Corn.” That imponderable I leave for others to weigh. I don’t believe that over-texting will create dangerous psychopaths. But it might create something else.

Heavy texting has been linked to sleep deprivation among the young, evidently because they somehow feel compelled to respond, even in the middle of the night. Researchers have found correlations between texting and everything from illiteracy to overeating. A 2006 study by James E. Katz of Rutgers University, perhaps the leading academic expert on mobile-phone use, has found that young people have trouble giving up their phones, even for a short time. Most were unable to make it through a two-day experiment designed to discover what they would do without their phones.

Texts Versus Letters

On the other hand, if used in moderation, texting might help demolish the weird and unmannerly etiquette of the mobile phone, in which, for no reason but the technology’s existence, it is the recipient of the call who is somehow required to make an excuse if not free to answer. Texting harks back to an earlier, less demanding model of communication, in which response was at the convenience of the respondent. It was, and is, known as letter writing.

There may actually be advantages in the use of phones for a purpose other than conversation. The proliferation of phone apps may help children learn. (It may also lead to a new digital divide between those with lots of apps on their phones and those without.) And for those who are worried that constant mobile- phone use by the young might lead to cancer (or perhaps glucose absorption in the brain), texting — in which the phone is nowhere near the ear — is obviously an improvement.

The larger problem with texting involves neither the physical nor the mental health of our growing army of young texters. My worry is that the ubiquity of texting may accelerate the decline of what our struggling democracy most needs: independent thought. Indeed, as texting crowds out other activities, it must inevitably crowd out inactivity — and there lies a danger. For inactivity and thinking are inextricably linked.

By inactivity, I mean doing nothing that occupies the mind: time spent in reflection. Bertrand Russell wrote a marvelous essay on this subject, titled “In Praise of Idleness” (also the title of the collection in which the essay is most readily found). Russell’s point is that when the rest of the world thinks we are idle, the brain, if properly trained, is following its own path. Only then, he contends, are we truly thinking. The rest of the time we are analyzing and reacting, but our thoughts are then determined by responses to the thoughts of others. Unless we spend time in reflection — in idleness — we can never truly think thoughts of our own.

Already we live in an era when there is little time for idle thinking. Whether in the storms of political argument or the hyperkinetic pace of the workplace, we are called upon constantly to respond rather than reflect. The education of the young, increasingly built around the rapid-fire model of the standardized test, only enhances the model of thought in which speed is everything and reflection is for those left behind. As young people increasingly fill their free hours with texting and other similarly fast-paced, attention-absorbing activities, the opportunities for sustained reflective thought will continue to fade.