A Dad’s Imprint

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The Teenage Years (13 – 19 Years Old)

The teenage years can be a challenging time; but it can also be a very exciting period because you are preparing your child for adulthood. Change is a key theme. Your teen’s body and hormones are changing; she may begin to experience romantic feelings and a desire to start dating. He may struggle with feelings of insecurity and seek peer acceptance over yours.

At the same time, your teen will develop greater intellect and capacity for abstract thinking, a desire to become more independent, and internalize and embrace personal values. Your role as a parent is to help them successfully transit through these changes.

Continue reading……………..

http://essentialparenting.sg/the-teenage-years-13-19-years-old

The Role of a Mother

What is a mother’s primary job? It’s not just cooking dinner, changing diapers or helping a preschooler glue colored macaroni on a coffee can as a Father’s Day gift.

The most important assignment a mom has is to nurture her children.

But what does that mean, exactly? Most of us have a vague notion about what being nurtured feels like, but here are a few specifics.

A nurturing mom goes beyond being the “maintenance person” in a child’s life. She doesn’t just keep a child clean, fed, warm, and dry. She also enables her children to develop fully by pouring life into them. She models joy and passion. Nurturing is filling your child up with alive-ness.

It’s not a joyless, self-sacrificing caricature of Betty Crocker. A nurturing mom takes time to play, read, and take pictures when the toddler’s spaghetti ends up on the head instead of in the mouth. She enters the child’s world to see things from his or her perspective, even if it means the carpets don’t get vacuumed for a while. She provides empathetic understanding from a position of strength and support. That’s true whether she’s dealing with a toddler or a teen — except for the part about spaghetti on the head.

Like dads, though, moms have a natural urge to protect their children.

This instinct can sometimes derail our goal of granting our child greater autonomy and encouraging them to be more independent. One mother of twins describes her ongoing battle with this issue:

Continue reading……………

http://essentialparenting.sg/the-role-of-a-mother

“My 10-year-old says that he is bullied by his teacher.”

Question: My 10-year-old son told me his teacher is picking on him. Should I ignore him or talk to his teacher about this?

Our Expert Says

The most important thing is to find out why he feels that his teacher is picking on him.

When your child approaches you with a complaint like that, you should attend to him, listen, and find out what happened.  You need to have a better understanding of his issues and perspectives before deciding on the appropriate course of action.

Listening to your child and giving him your full attention lets him know that what happened to him matters to you too. Try not to rush into any judgement about your child or his teacher. Instead, keep an open mind as you listen and ask him questions to help you have a better picture of what happened.

Let’s run through some possible scenarios that your child might be facing.

He may feel unfairly picked on because his teacher praised his classmates’ work, yet criticised his. After talking this through with your child, you may realise that he is upset because he felt embarrassed by the incident. You can show empathy by telling him: “No wonder you are upset, if I were you, I would feel embarrassed too.”

Sometimes, just by listening and putting yourself in your child’s shoes, your child will feel better.

You can then guide him to come up with some solutions. For example, you may say: “Let us think about how you can do better. Would checking through your work or doing it earlier help?

Continue reading………

http://essentialparenting.sg/my-10-year-old-says-that-he-is-bullied-by-his-teacher

Boost Your Parenting Happiness

When was the last time you were filled with gratitude and joy? Parenting can be a tough and sometimes thankless job but a change of perspective and the way you do things can help to bring some joy into family life. Here are some simple tips on staying happy and sane. – By Donna Cheng

Watching your 7-year-old ride his bicycle without training wheels, witnessing your teen’s first prom, getting a surprise breakfast in bed from the kids—parenting is filled with moments of surprises and pure bliss.

But not everyone agrees. Social scientists say that kids sap parents’ disposable income, social opportunities and energy level. Parents who have spent years pursuing their passions – from rock climbing to rock bands – suddenly lack time to do the things that used to make them happy.

According to Nattavudh Powdthavee, a researcher at the University of York in Britain, it’s the daily grind that does parents in. From preparing meals, to breaking up a fight and worrying about the kids’ exams, overall satisfaction among mums and dads deteriorates with pressing responsibilities every day.

When our attention gets spread too thin, it’s hard to keep going. What can we do to regain some control of our life? How can we bring a greater sense of joy into our daily routine?

Place relationships first

Frank Yeo, a father of two, aged 8 and 10, shared: “Whenever I remind myself that relationship is more important than results, and to look at what I can be thankful for in any situation, my wife and I tend to listen and talk differently to our kids. For example, when our son did not hit the targets he set for himself in last year’s final year exams, we went back to what was more important. Do we want to harp on the results or take the opportunity to build our relationship with him from this small setback? We decided on the latter. So we talked to him about how he felt, what went wrong and how he could have asked us for help instead of struggling on his own. We also reiterated to him that we are on his side.”

Frank said his 10-year-old kept quiet initially, but weeks later when he won a Good Progress Award for his work, his son thanked them for being supportive. Looking back, Frank and his wife are pleased that they have chosen to place their relationship with their son before academic results. They understand that a strong parent-child bond will help their son become more confident and motivated to do well.

When Shelley, mother of 3 got into a tiff with her teen son over test results, she was so caught up in the moment that she could not hear Ben’s cry for some acknowledgement or recognition of the effort he had put in when he said, “Mom, I am trying.”

As parents, we sometimes get caught up in the mad race for our children to do well that we forget how to be a mom and dad first. This puts a strain on the parent-child relationship and diminishes the joy of parenting. Shelley could have said, “I hear you son. I see that you are trying. Do you think you need help?” That would have made a world of difference for the mental state of both mother and son, and their relationship.

Act positive

Mah Huili, a mother of two boys, aged 8 and 10, says that parents must keep in mind that “we reap what we sow.” She is ever mindful of the way she acts and what she says to her kids.

“When I am late in picking up my kids, I thank them for waiting for me and for being patient. And so whenever I pick them up, they will thank me for coming!” says Huili.

When we approach challenges in a calm and constructive manner, our children will learn and mirror these positive behaviours. Being positive and looking on the bright side of things also helps to change your mood and the atmosphere in the family. So smile and the whole world will smile with you.

Look after yourself

It’s hard to be happy when you don’t feel good. Are your physical and emotional needs being met? Are you getting enough sleep?

When we don’t get enough sleep, our concentration, productivity and health will suffer. Lack of sleep also makes us more irritable and sensitive to others’ remarks.

Remember to connect with yourself and schedule in some me-time. Doing something that makes us happy everyday will soothe our frazzled nerves and re-energise us.

Here are 5 more sure-fire strategies to boost your parenting happiness.

Continue reading from….

http://essentialparenting.sg/boost-your-parenting-happiness

 

(~j~)

Parenting Goal: Being an Intentional Parent

Remember the time when all you wanted was to love, protect and give your precious child the best life possible? What kind of a parent did you want to be, and how much of what you wanted has become  a reality today? – By Donna Cheng

*

John C. Maxwell, a leading author on leadership, says that 95% of achieving anything is to know what you want.  Parents, however, tend to be unclear about what they want.

As we start the new year, it is timely to take stock of your parenting goals and begin planning ahead, even while your children are still young. Your children will also respect and appreciate you more if they know that their parents are intentional in their parenting efforts.

At times, even when we do have a clear picture of our parenting goals, the demands and responsibilities of being a parent pile on and inevitably we drift away from that ideal. We may lose sight of the kind of parent we hope to be, and heap unrealistic expectations on our children. Eventually, we get entangled in a web of unimportant concerns and negative emotions that rob the home of peace and strong parent-child bonds.

Learn from fellow parents how a clear vision for your child and yourself can help you navigate delicate and prickly situations with calm and consistency.

Cheryl, whose son is in Primary 4, admits to struggling with trying to be the mum she wants to be while coping with the daily rigours of life. However, what has helped her stay grounded is the vision she has for her child.

“I want my son to grow up into a responsible man of good character. He has to be kind, hardworking, honest, respectful, and get along with others. He must also have an adventurous and resilient spirit. It is a vision that I feel will make him a happy man when he grows up.”

She also has a clear vision for herself: “My job will be to nurture him into that fine young man. It is not about him making me proud. I believe character is most important, and I want to provide him with opportunities to explore his strengths and interests.”

Her vision—which is shared and supported by her husband—is influenced by her years in the corporate world, where every company has a clear vision and mission.

Germaine, a mother of two preschool kids, laughed as she admitted that she had no idea how she wanted them to grow up.

“I have no idea what I want them to be. I want them to do well and be sincere. Maybe go into entertainment,” she said.

Another mum, Mrs Neo, says that she has no specific expectations for her teenage daughter: “I only want her to do her best and be the best that she can be.”

While many parents want their children to do their best, get good grades and good jobs, few have taken the time to figure out whether their expectations are realistic or how their children feel about them.  Formulating a clear vision after taking into account your child’s strengths and interests will help you focus on what is important, instead of always getting upset when your child fails to meet your expectations.

Since her son started school, Cheryl has been stressing over his schoolwork—even enrolling him in tuition classes over the weekends to help him keep up in school.  However, her vision keeps her in check, and prevents her from blowing her top if he does not do well in tests.

“I catch myself before I scold or punish him for his poor results. The vision of what I want him to be and how I should nurture him helps me step back and evaluate the situation instead of simply reacting emotionally. So I will try to remember if he had worked hard to prepare for his test. If he did, then I will focus on encouraging him to try again next time. I teach him that it is important to be resilient and not to be disheartened because of setbacks. But if I know he didn’t work hard, I will tell him that he is ill-prepared for the test and the results show,” explains Cheryl.

Cheryl’s experience is instructive to families with young kids or teenagers. Parents will always face situations when children fail to do what they should, or are disobedient.  Instead of focusing on poor results or bad behaviour which may hurt their self esteem, kill their interest in studies, and eat away at a healthy parent-child relationship, Cheryl’s vision has helped her to focus on what is really important and make parenting decisions based on that vision.

Want to be intentional in raising junior?

Here are some quick tips on how you can draw up a vision for yourself as a parent.

1. Focus on what matters most. Place importance on values instead of achievements. For example, being responsible, honest and humble are enduring values that will help your child in different situations at different stages in life. On the contrary, setting a vision that is achievement-oriented such as becoming a top student, lawyer or CEO can be good targets, but are you putting unnecessary pressure on your child?
2. Start young. Values, like other important life skills such as reading and swimming, are best learnt when young. For example, if you do not teach your pre-school child good manners, and allow them to throw tantrums at will and be rude to others, he might continue the behaviour until adulthood. “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men” goes a famous quote from Frederick Douglass.  However, even if your child is already a pre-teen or a teen, it is never too late to mould his character.
3. Know your child. Formulate a realistic vision by taking into consideration your child’s strengths and dreams, rather than imposing your own personal expectations on him. If your child is inquisitive about how things work, develop this interest by taking him to science centres or nature parks to gain insights into the world around him. While you develop his strengths, you should also remember not to pigeonhole your child too early.
4. Find a role model from whom you can draw inspiration. This can be the cool and calm colleague who always has wise advice for tricky parenting situations or a parenting expert whose parenting philosophies are in line with yours.
5. Reflect on your vision. Every now and then, ask yourself: are you working towards your parenting vision or straying from it? And don’t forget to celebrate little victories and give yourself a pat on the back when you see junior slowly developing into a person you are proud of.

Extracted from  MSF  January 2013   http://essentialparenting.sg/parenting-goal-being-an-intentional-parent

Parents Can Have Fun, Too!

Your child spends his weekends learning interesting stuff like pottery making and haute cuisine, and there is no reason why you can’t join in. – By Marc Nair

A busy schedule filled with dance practice, martial arts, and sports is good for your children’s development, but having a hobby for yourself too is a great way to relax and recharge from your daily routine.

Don’t let your interests go on a permanent vacation while your children take centre stage. While you may no longer be able to travel freely or simply rock out with your old school buddies, you can still carve out creative time for yourself and enjoy a pastime that has nothing to do with the kids!

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Be inspired in art class.

Art conquers boredom and stress. Whether it’s painting, printmaking or ceramics class, art can be a source of therapy.

Expressing yourself through art allows you to analyse yourself in ways you might not have otherwise known. Your instructor or an art therapist can help you process emotions and feelings that you are struggling with.

Try your hand at pottery where it’s all about patience, skill and craftsmanship. An important advantage of ceramics is that the potter can, within limits, control the size and shape of the finished piece much more than with other materials.

Learn the basics at the Goodman Ceramic Studio.

2. Spice up the dinner table with cooking classes.

When it comes down to feeding your body and mind, nothing is more fulfilling than preparing your food from scratch with quality ingredients.

Enrolling in cooking classes is a fun way to improve your culinary knowledge and skills, and get fresh ideas on how to be creative in the kitchen. .

If gelato, macarons, or artisan baking is your sort of thing, Tools of The Trade offers novice courses as well as a full serving of kitchen utensils and ingredients if you want to continue experimenting at home.

3. Learn hip rolls in belly dancing.

Shakira’s hips don’t lie when they’re swaying across stage in a dance known as belly dancing. Great for your abs, both men and women can turn to this sensual dance form for a chance to shake like never before.

The health benefits of belly dancing are numerous. The graceful hip drops, rolls, and pivots utilise muscle groups in the abdomen, pelvis, trunk, spine and neck, working with the body instead of against it.

Learn more about belly dancing classes.

4. Get a whole body workout with rock climbing.

Professional rock climbers may be bristling with muscles, but the sport is just as fun even if you’re not the sporty type.

Rock climbing can be done both indoors and outdoors, giving you the flexibility to choose whether you’d like to sweat it out under the sun, or in a controlled indoor environment.

Rock climbing not only increases your flexibility and muscle strength, but also improves your mental health. The sport requires a great deal of concentration, and the experience can feel something like meditation. If you stay present in the moment and focus on each move, you’ll lower your blood pressure, increase serotonin which in turn improves your mood, and sleep much better.

A basic course will help provide a solid foundation in basic climbing.

5. Train for real life emergencies.

Would you know what to do if your child was injured?

Whether your children are toddlers or adults, first aid skills are crucial. First aid is the process of initial care against minor injuries until the arrival of medical support. Many people keep a first aid box at home, but are unsure about the proper technique to carry out first aid treatment.

If you haven’t already done so, take first aid training so you’ll be able to take immediate action against emergency situations. Keeping your child safe is a top priority, so a first aid course can be one of the most important lessons of your life.

6. Join the Ukulele Movement.

It all began in 1999, when Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole’s ukulele version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was used in a commercial for eToys in the U.S. Since then, this four-stringed instrument—first brought to Hawaii in the late 1870’s from Portugal—has attracted a huge fan following across the globe.

The first thing you’ll notice about the ukulele is its size. The body of the instrument is small and easy to hold, while the neck is thin with narrow frets, which makes it easy to play basic chords.

The ukulele is an easy and fun instrument to play, and you or your children should be able to pick up a few basic chords in the very first lesson. From there, you will learn how to play simple strum patterns and entire songs.

Join local strumming groups and communities, which are springing up all over the place and are rapidly attracting followers.

Article extracted from MCYS Oct 2012  http://essentialparenting.sg/parents-can-have-fun-too

Making Peace with Your Teen

So you’ve just had a nasty fight with your teen and now both of you are smarting from the aftermath. Here are some tips on how to rebuild the relationship without losing your authority. – by Vivienne Khoo

The teenage years can be a turbulent phase for teens and parents alike. As your teen develops his own identity and independence, he will oppose your views, break curfews and push you to the limit. Conflict is part and parcel of life, especially for parents with teens. The test for parents, however, is being able to manage these conflicts calmly and respectfully. When done right, it can strengthen your relationship with your teen and help you understand each other better.

Agnes Goh, Content Strategist of Focus on the Family, provides some broad guidelines:

• Discuss a plan to prevent reoccurrence of the mistake.
• Be willing to admit your mistakes as well.
• Rebuild the relationship and re-establish trust.

Communicating the game plan

“For parents to successfully work things out with their teen, they need to deal with the conflict together as teammates,” says Agnes. Communication is key and attitude-wise, parents would do good to practise the 3Fs – firm, fair and friendly.

Case in point: Mother of three, Lau Li Choo strives to maintain open communication lines with her children – aged 9, 15 and 18 – even during conflicts. Areas of conflict involve managing time and belongings, doing what they need to do before doing what they want to do, and making choices.

When your teen made mistakes, he should be told why the behaviour upsets you and get him to suggest suitable and reasonable solutions. Parents should also teach their teens about taking responsibility for their actions. If a punishment is in order, Li Choo will ask her children to come up with their own punishment such as giving up computer time or their phones for a period of time. This is a first step towards developing a responsible teen who is able to self-regulate and consider other people’s interest.

Sorry seems to be the best word

What is also important is that both sides will eat humble pie when there is a need to. Li Choo, 49, says: “I have trained [my children] to say, ‘I am sorry for doing this. Please forgive me.’”

She is also quick to apologise if she has done anything wrong herself. “I say, ‘I’m sorry I shouted but I hope you understand that it was frustrating.’”

It may seem contradictory, but children need to know that parents are ultimately on their side, even during an argument.

Li Choo makes sure her children know that she is helping them to become better people through conflicts. She gets additional help from parenting books that teach parents to let the children practice their own judgment rather than tell them what to do.

Establishing trust

Often, parents tend to listen only to their teens’ surface-level message and jump in too soon with “toxic talk”, says Agnes. Teens tend to react by either tuning out or getting confrontational.

Hence, when talking after a conflict, parents should avoid “poisonous speech” such as:

• labelling
• generalising / judging
• comparing the child with another
• giving orders / being autocratic
• threatening
• nagging

Instead, listen to the underlying message of what your teen is conveying and acknowledge his feelings, says Agnes. Parents can gain their teens’ trust by showing that they are reasonable and do not blame or shame using “toxic talk”.

Know your teen

Aside from the broad guidelines listed above, it’s also crucial for parents to understand their teens’ personalities and how each child handles conflict. There isn’t a one-size fits all approach when it comes to parenting. Spend time getting to know your teen to build a loving and trusting relationship that will withstand the storms ahead.

When conflict can be an opportunity

We know that some conflict between teens and parents is normal. But learning to manage conflict is a great way to improve your relationship and pull your family together.

When it comes to managing conflicts with your teens, it helps when both parties learn to fight fair and engage in it in a positive way. From negotiating sensitive situations to resolving disputes, these rules will serve you well:

• Choose your fight.
• Focus on the issue.
• Listen attentively.
• Take responsibility.
• No personal attacks.

Article extracted from  http://essentialparenting.sg/making-peace-with-your-teen  ~

2 July 2012.

Communicating with your Teenager

By Jonathan Ng

Mrs Wong was at her wits’ end. “It’s my song Beng Huat,” she confided. “No matter what I suggest, he’s against it. Whenever I ask him to do anything, he grumbles, argues, or outright refuses. If I try to ignore him, he goes all out of his way to pick a fight. He’s only 15, and I don’t see how I can live through three or four more years of this. Sometimes I think he spends every waking minute figuring out ways to annoy me.”

I listened sympathetically and tried to help explore some options open to her. Whether Beng Huat really wanted to annoy his mother, I don’t know. But after an hour of conversation, I was pretty sure that Mrs Wong was spending most of her waking minutes planning how to out-manoeuver him.

Maybe you’ve had similar struggles. Something goes wrong. You try to discuss it with your teenager. You try to discuss it with your teenager. You get only exasperated looks. You try to talk some sense into this youngster. You feel the warmth rising round your collar. You exchange angry words. Your teenager stomps out and slams the door. You feel helpless.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Parents and teenagers can learn to talk to each other –believe it or not – like civilized people. They can even learn to show respect and love.

Communication is made up of two basic processes: listening and talking. Let’s look at each in turn.

Listening

We show respect for a young person and break down walls of hostility when we’re willing to listen to his or her point of view. But active listening is not easy. It takes a lot of self-discipline. Here are a few pointers:

• Give full attention to your teenager. Don’t try to read the paper or do your housework while you lend a ear. When we set everything else aside and concentrate fully on what the person is saying, we communicate that we care.
• Listen in order to really understand what your teenager is thinking and feeling. Don’t just try to punch holes in his or her argument. Don’t let your mind wander into preparing your rebuttal. At this point, your only task is to see the problem through teenage eyes.
• Check out the meaning of what you are hearing. Ask questions and rephrase what you think was intended. Not only will you learn something, your teenager too will be amazed that you are so interested.
• Find out what the information means to your teenager. Why is it important? What feelings are involved?

Talking

When we listen carefully, we’ll earn the right to talk. But equal care is required here:

• Talk about the problem. Don’t attack the person, and don’t bring up a history of past mistakes. Stick to the subject at hand.
• Share how you feel about the problem, but take responsibility for your own feelings. “I feel very uncomfortable in a messy environment” is a lot better than “You upset me with your sloppy room!”

Why not try practicing these few simple communication skills with your teenager for a week? Watch what difference it makes!

Extracted from Families Today, Issue No 1/96

Focus amid Technological Distractions by Larry Rosen

(Extracted from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rewired-the-psychology-technology/201204/attention-alert-study-distraction-reveals-some-surpris)

Recently my research team observed nearly 300 middle school, high school and university students studying something important for a mere 15 minutes in their natural environments. We were interested in whether they could maintain focus and, if not, what might be distracting them. Every minute we noted exactly what they were doing, whether they were studying, if they were texting or listening to music or watching television in the background, and if they had a computer screen in front of them and what websites were being visited.

The results were startling. First, these students were only able to focus and stay on task for an average of three minutes at a time and nearly all of their distractions came from technology. [By the way, other researchers have found similar attention spans with computer programmers and medical students.] The major culprit: their smartphone and their laptop were providing constant interruptions. We also looked at whether these distractors might predict who was a better student. Not surprisingly those who stayed on task longer and had study strategies were better students. The worst students were those who consumed more media each day and had a preference for working on several tasks at the same time and switching back and forth between them. One additional result stunned us: If they checked Facebook just once during the 15-minute study period they were worse students. It didn’t matter how many times they looked at Facebook; once was enough.

So, what was going on with these students? We have asked thousands of students this exact question and what we hear is that when alerted by a beep, a vibration or a flashing image they feel compelled or drawn to attend to that distraction. However, they also tell us that even without the sensory reminder they are constantly thinking internally, “I wonder if anyone commented on my Facebook post” or “I wonder if anyone responded to my text message I sent 5 minutes ago” or even “I wonder what interesting new YouTube videos my friends have liked.”

Neuroscience is just now starting to emerge as a means of studying the impact of technology on the brain. Consider these recent study results:

•Video game players show more volume in brain areas where risk and reward are processed but also less activity in areas dealing with emotional regulation and aggression PLUS more dopamine, which parallels what happens in an addict’s brain.

•Distracted brains show specific regions that are activated in the brain and more distractions tends to parallel more activity.

•Chinese youth who were addicted to the Internet showed more white matter in the areas of emotion, attention and control but also showed disrupted nerve cell connections in other areas of the brain.

I am convinced that learning to live with both internal and external distractions is all about teaching the concept of focus. In psychology we refer to the ability to understand when you need to focus and when it is not necessary to do so as “metacognition” or knowing how your brain functions. In one recent study we found a perfect demonstration of metacognition, albeit totally by accident. In this study we showed a video in several psychology courses, which was followed by a graded test. Student were told that we may be texting them during the videotape and to answer our text messages. In fact, one-third did not get a text message from us, one-third got four texts during the 30-minute video and the other third got eight texts, enough, we guessed, to make them not be able to concentrate on the video. Oh yes, one other wrinkle was that we timed the text messages to occur when important material was being shown on the videotape that was going to be tested later. We were right that the group who got eight texts did worse but the group with four texts did not. HOWEVER, here a mistake in our instructions told us more about what was going on inside the students’ heads when the text arrived. Those students who answered our texts immediately did worse than those who opted to wait a minute or two or even three or four to respond. Those students were using their metacognitive skills to decide when was a good time to be distracted.

How do we teach focus in a world that is constantly drawing our focus elsewhere? One idea is to use “technology breaks” where you check your phone, the web, whatever, for a minute or two and then turn the phone to silent, the computer screen off and “focus” on work or conversation or any nontechnological activity for, say 15 minutes, and then take a 1-2 minute tech break followed by more focus times and more tech breaks. The trick is to gradually lengthen the focus time to teach yourself (and your kids) how to focus for longer periods of time without being distracted. I have teachers using this in classrooms, parents using it during dinner and bosses using tech breaks during meetings with great success. So far, though, the best we can get is about 30 minutes of focus. Thanks to Steve Jobs (and others) for making such alluring, distracting technologies.

By: Dr. Larry Rosen, Past Chair and Professor of Psychology at California State University