So you’ve just had a nasty fight with your teen and now both of you are smarting from the aftermath. Here are some tips on how to rebuild the relationship without losing your authority. – by Vivienne Khoo
The teenage years can be a turbulent phase for teens and parents alike. As your teen develops his own identity and independence, he will oppose your views, break curfews and push you to the limit. Conflict is part and parcel of life, especially for parents with teens. The test for parents, however, is being able to manage these conflicts calmly and respectfully. When done right, it can strengthen your relationship with your teen and help you understand each other better.
Agnes Goh, Content Strategist of Focus on the Family, provides some broad guidelines:
- Discuss a plan to prevent reoccurrence of the mistake.
- Be willing to admit your mistakes as well.
- Rebuild the relationship and re-establish trust.
Communicating the game plan
“For parents to successfully work things out with their teen, they need to deal with the conflict together as teammates,” says Agnes. Communication is key and attitude-wise, parents would do good to practise the 3Fs – firm, fair and friendly.
Case in point: Mother of three, Lau Li Choo strives to maintain open communication lines with her children – aged 9, 15 and 18 – even during conflicts. Areas of conflict involve managing time and belongings, doing what they need to do before doing what they want to do, and making choices.
When your teen made mistakes, he should be told why the behaviour upsets you and get him to suggest suitable and reasonable solutions. Parents should also teach their teens about taking responsibility for their actions. If a punishment is in order, Li Choo will ask her children to come up with their own punishment such as giving up computer time or their phones for a period of time. This is a first step towards developing a responsible teen who is able to self-regulate and consider other people’s interest.
Sorry seems to be the best word
What is also important is that both sides will eat humble pie when there is a need to. Li Choo, 49, says: “I have trained [my children] to say, ‘I am sorry for doing this. Please forgive me.’”
She is also quick to apologise if she has done anything wrong herself. “I say, ‘I’m sorry I shouted but I hope you understand that it was frustrating.’”
It may seem contradictory, but children need to know that parents are ultimately on their side, even during an argument.
Li Choo makes sure her children know that she is helping them to become better people through conflicts. She gets additional help from parenting books that teach parents to let the children practice their own judgment rather than tell them what to do.
Establishing trust
Often, parents tend to listen only to their teens’ surface-level message and jump in too soon with “toxic talk”, says Agnes. Teens tend to react by either tuning out or getting confrontational.
Hence, when talking after a conflict, parents should avoid “poisonous speech” such as:
- labelling
- generalising / judging
- comparing the child with another
- giving orders / being autocratic
- threatening
- nagging
Instead, listen to the underlying message of what your teen is conveying and acknowledge his feelings, says Agnes. Parents can gain their teens’ trust by showing that they are reasonable and do not blame or shame using “toxic talk”.
Know your teen
Aside from the broad guidelines listed above, it’s also crucial for parents to understand their teens’ personalities and how each child handles conflict. There isn’t a one-size fits all approach when it comes to parenting. Spend time getting to know your teen to build a loving and trusting relationship that will withstand the storms ahead.
When conflict can be an opportunity
We know that some conflict between teens and parents is normal. But learning to manage conflict is a great way to improve your relationship and pull your family together.
When it comes to managing conflicts with your teens, it helps when both parties learn to fight fair and engage in it in a positive way. From negotiating sensitive situations to resolving disputes, these rules will serve you well:
- Choose your fight.
- Focus on the issue.
- Listen attentively.
- Take responsibility.
- No personal attacks.
Article extracted from http://essentialparenting.sg/making-peace-with-your-teen ~
2 July 2012.
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